Working it Out
by orion-fics
Summary: Rodney realises that there is something he is missing. But will he be able to get what he wants?
1. Confidence

I see him everyday. And everyday I imagine what I want to say to him. The words form easily in my brain, but it is impossible to articulate them. I can't talk to him. Well, I can talk to him as far as appearances go, we joke, argue and rile each other and our banter makes everyone assume that we are good friends, that we know each other well. And I like to think that I know him, but he doesn't know me. No one does. 

There's always been a problem, the me they see isn't the one I know. The outwardly confident persona hides a shy individual. No one would believe it – I'm intelligent, a genius, not bad looking, and yet, yet, I haven't got the confidence to start a conversation with some one I like. Instead, I wait for them to take the lead, or failing that, rely on humour to hide behind. He smiles at me, I smile back but the words won't come.

When I look at him, I feel different, when he smiles, something twists inside me. But when I try and speak to him, only everyday platitudes come out. And I know that if I tried to tell him more, he'd turn away before I could get the first stumbling sentences out of my mouth. It's happened before, with others, so I stay behind my shield.

Occasionally on a mission, he'll spot me looking at him, and he'll grin. I'll try to grin back, but usually something ridiculous happens. Something to discourage him from approaching me further. A sensible conversation that in my head could easily become a sharing of feelings, instead through my own fault turns into a technical discussion, and it is only when I look back that I realise the change originated with me. A word of encouragement from him is all I need to believe I can do the impossible. But he doesn't realise, he thinks I have faith in myself, and I let him believe. I can't let him know that it's all down to him, because if I do, he won't need me anymore, he could replace me with someone else, and then I would have nothing.

I see him with Carson. Together, happy, open with each other. They don't need to finish sentences sometimes, they each know what the other means and I dream of someone knowing me well enough to do the same. They touch each other, casually, probably not even noticing that they do it. But I notice. And I imagine that his hands are on me. That it is me he is smiling and joking with. As Carson's hand brushes the hair from his forehead, I imagine running my hand though it, already I know it, I know his response. But I will never experience it for real. I yearn for their touch, it's beyond sexual now, I merely want a hand laid on mine, an arm around my shoulder, the feel of the broad muscular chest at my back as arms surround me. But it will never be. Because they have each other. And they don't need me.


	2. Realisation

Rodney groaned and buried his head in his hands. This could not be happening. But of course it could - _McKay does it again. If you're going to screw up, why not screw up royally. What's the point in having unrequited feelings for the Commanding Officer of Atlantis when you can have them for its Chief Medical Officer too?_

He sighed. Thinking about Carson was not helping. Seeing the pair sitting on the other side of the canteen unaware of his presence wasn't helping either.

Why had he not realised sooner? All those months in Antarctica with Carson, forcing the man to take part in his experiments. Why had he never stopped to asked himself why it was always Carson he chose, when others were far more willing to activate the devices, using their gene? Why he had invented excuses to get the man to come to his lab in the evenings, when he knew he was free and the two would have time to talk. Why he always wanted to double check his results with the doctor? Just in case.

And then John appeared, waltzing in with his cocky grin and his genetic talents and both Carson and McKay had been swept away. And it had never occurred to Rodney to wonder if some of the regret he felt about seeing Carson with John was that he missed his best friend. He put it all down to the newcomer, it was easier to deal with that way. Easier to rationalise why nothing had happened. John had appeared. Rodney and Carson had both liked him. Carson had got him and Rodney hadn't. Simple. Better to think like that than of those moments in Antarctica when his hand had gripped Carson's, dragging him to his latest experiment. Or the meals they had shared, conversations about the value of the genetic technology the two were developing. Better not think of the common ground they had shared. Not to think of the way that Rodney felt he had been understood.

How had he missed it? How had he not realised how he felt for them? Now there was no point. Now he did and Carson was gone from him, together with the other focus of Rodney's stupid heart.

_Ridiculous._ He shook his head slowly while it remained bowed in his hands. He just about controlled his feelings for John on their missions, covering it with techno-babble, but he couldn't do the same with Carson. Every time he returned from missions he had to face the doctor. It was as these examinations had descended into stuttering exchanges on Rodney's part, which he tried to pass off as objections to the infirmary's array of needles, that he had recognised what it meant. And the thought twisted inside him. Without other's interference he was managing to distance himself from the ones he cared about the most. Because he couldn't be around them while he felt this way. The looks of happiness on their faces were too much for that. He would not endanger that happiness for anything, and he knew that it would only be so long before he betrayed himself. Carson knew him, he realised now, maybe better than anyone had before, and he could not allow himself to be discovered, ruining not only his own happiness, but theirs too. He would stay away. Send Zelenka on missions instead. An excuse that he had too much work to do in the labs would be easy to find.

He glanced from between the fingers still covering his face. All around him, the base got on with its business. And across the room, the subjects of his thoughts carried on, oblivious. He sighed. Not that self-pity would do him any good. Much better to concentrate on his work, and win the chance of a conversation with the others by providing something they may want. And the looks on their faces when he produced it would…

No, he shook his head. He needed to stop this. He couldn't carry on this way. He was fine on his own, he always had been, he still would be. Standing without lifting his head completely, he turned and left the room. He didn't see the look Carson and John shared as he passed their table. Didn't see the concern on their faces, didn't know that they cared.


	3. Dilemmas

Carson sighed as he lay back on the bed. He could see Rodney's pain so clearly, he felt it within himself. However clever he might be, Rodney had always been unable to hide his feelings from Carson, and he could see it in the man's eyes when he looked at John. It was the same expression he knew that he so often wore. Rodney's eyes shone, and Carson saw a Rodney he thought he had lost. Rodney as he used to be in Antarctica, in those early days when every day brought new marvels and they discovered them together.

Back in those days when they spent each moment together, a common purpose, a common goal - Rodney had been different then, and so had Carson. Oh, he had protested against Rodney's dragging him to the lab at all hours of the day and night to activate some piece of Ancient technology, but secretly, he had been flattered by McKay's attention. There was something about the man, maybe his sheer unabashed confidence in his own intellect that made you willing to do anything for him. Well, it made Carson feel that way and he had allowed himself to entertain a hope that something more could come of their time spent together. But it had not taken long for him to realise that Rodney did not think of him in the terms he would have hoped for. Gently, he withdrew slightly from the other man, still a friend, still at his beck and call, and willing to do whatever he asked. He had never stopped loving Rodney, but tried to keep his feelings hidden, not to risk what they had for some stupid daydream.

And then daydreams had been swept away, as John had walked into his life, replacing what he could never have with something tangible. He smiled as he remembered their first meeting, the look on John's face as he encountered the man who moments before had tried to kill him. After this 'minor misunderstanding', it had not taken the two long to recognise in each other something that was missing in themselves. Together, they had faced what Atlantis had thrown at them in a way that alone, Carson felt he would not have been able to cope with. But always within him was the small voice that whispered that this couldn't be right. What was a man as handsome, as smart, as wonderful as John doing with him? John could have whoever he wanted on the base. Hell, from what they had seen of Pegasus so far, John could have who he wanted from the whole galaxy. And he had chosen Carson? The doctor shook his head, trying to shake the disturbing thoughts. But they remained, as clear as ever - Carson feared that John had chosen him because the only person he truly wanted was unavailable; John must have thought Rodney wasn't interested. Because he could see it in John's face too, the concern in his expression when he sits by Rodney's bedside in the infirmary, when he watches out for McKay on missions, and even when someone will cross Rodney in a meeting, Carson can see the discomfort it causes John. And it hurt. They were his two best friends, and he could never do anything to hurt either of them, but he could see their feelings so clearly, more than either of them seemed to do, and he could see how perfect they would be together.

He knows he needs to tell them. He needs to tell John. But how can he do it? How can he end his own happiness? He has never known anyone like John, and the thought of being without him now scares him so much he can hardly breathe. But that is why he has to do this. The two men he loves could be as blissfully happy as he is now, and how could he deny them this?

Carson looked down at John, his head resting on Carson's chest, while the doctor slowly stroked his fingers through his hair. He knew he had to tell him. He just didn't know how.


	4. Concerns

John could see that Carson was worried and though he didn't want to press the man into confidence, he knew that things could not carry on like this between them. Recently, Carson had seemed more withdrawn, he had failed to respond to John's glances and smiles with the grin that made John's heart melt. Instead, he was distant, sometimes when they talked John had the feeling that he wasn't really listening. When he told Carson about his missions, he smiled and nodded, but he wasn't really hearing. Especially when John mentioned Rodney. Carson tried to hide it, but he didn't do it well. John would have expected that someone with Carson's job would have grown adept at hiding his feelings, but one of the things he loved most about the doctor was his inability to do so. The look in his eyes when the two men were together was worth more to John than any halting words could express, and even if he knew Carson was keeping something from him, John still trusted him completely.

But he could see that Carson was hurting when John talked about Rodney, and he wondered why. Carson had told him about his feelings, and John was fine with that. Well, fine was hardly an expression he would use, but he blocked himself off from thinking about it, and anyway, he knew that Carson would never do anything to hurt him. If he said he loved John and didn't want Rodney over him, then John had only to look into those trusting blue eyes and he knew no doubts. In fact, he trusted Rodney, too. After their first meeting and as they settled in Atlantis, John had not been able to understand the respect that Rodney commanded throughout the expedition, and had assumed it was based purely on his intelligence and it's obvious implications for their survival. But as he had grown to know him better, he would be the first to admit that he admired Rodney. He liked him, and after Carson, he was John's closest friend there. Together they had faced dangers and brought each other out of them, and you couldn't do that sort of thing without forming a bond. But there was more than that. Underneath the prickly exterior, John sensed a Rodney that was quite different, and he had begun to understand just why Carson felt the way he did, his could feel his own feelings waver in that direction - yet another thing for them to share.

He trusted the other man so completely and was unsure why Carson didn't talk to him. Whatever it was, it would be much easier to face it together. He knew what Carson was like, he kept things to himself, he didn't want to burden others with the pain he felt, the regret for wrong decisions, and the self-reproach he constantly fought with. After the incident on Hoff, it had taken all of John's love and support to get Carson to admit to him that he felt responsible for every death on that planet, and it had taken some time before John had been able to persuade him to resume his research in the laboratories, without thinking of the wrongful uses to which it could be put. The anguish he had watch Carson go through, the nightmares through which he had held him were not something John wished to repeat, he didn't want to see Carson go through them and he didn't want to see him suffer that way again. He knew he would have to intervene and help him before it was allowed to get that far.


	5. Suggestions

The look on John's face was almost enough to make Carson burst out laughing. If it hadn't been for the seriousness of the matter they discussed, he didn't think he would have been able to stop himself. John Sheppard, the man he loved, the man adored by half the galaxy… yet every time a new admirer presented themselves, he didn't see it coming. It was one of his most endearing expressions, the look of confusion, followed by slow realisation, and even in these circumstance, Carson felt his chest twist. But no, he had to explain, had to persuade John that what he was suggesting could be a good idea.

John couldn't believe it. McKay? It was only the look on Carson's face and the way that the pieces fitted in so neatly in his mind, explaining the changes he had noticed in the man lately, that allowed him to contemplate it. Rodney, in love with _him_? He'd never considered it before. OK, he had to admit, it wasn't so unusual for him to find himself the object of other peoples' affection, even though the admirers were always a surprise, but McKay? He had always thought the scientist was too sensible to be interested in some dumb flyboy. Too uptight, to be frank, too straight.

He knew that Carson had fallen for Rodney when the two worked so closely in Antarctica, and the only reason that he had thought of that the two hadn't got together, was that Rodney wasn't interested in men. John allowed himself a smile – he had to admit, he might be a bit biased about Carson's attractions. It had never occurred to him that Rodney simply wasn't interested in _Carson_. Although, knowing Rodney, he was probably just too distracted by all the new technology and his own experiments to see what was being offered to him.

And now Carson was assuring him that Rodney loved _him_. He didn't know what to do. It wasn't something he had ever sought. He was happy with Carson, the two complemented each other, Carson's intensity for his work contrasting with his own more easy-going manner, the scientist's nervousness bringing out his own protective nature. He hadn't wanted more, he was more than happy with what he had.

But now that he thought of it, he had to admit that he was flattered, John would do that and more than that, wasn't going to object to Carson's suggestion. He realised that the affection that he felt for Rodney, which he had interpreted as growing friendship, could well be more than that, and it was certainly something he was willing to explore. He suspected that he hadn't allowed himself to realise the truth because he had been afraid of hurting Carson. He had been concerned for his lovers' feeling, not just at the thought of a rival being introduced, but also that the mention of Rodney would bring back the painful memories of Carson's unrequited love since Antarctica. But now here was a way that, according to Carson, everyone could get what they wanted, and his ideas about what it was he _did_ want were rapidly changing.

He wasn't sure. He had never been in a situation like this before. It was only the relative safety of Atlantis that had allowed him to be so open about his relationship with Carson. He wasn't sure, but he was certainly willing to give it a try…


	6. Together

Rodney paused in front of the door, reluctant to open it. It had seemed like a bad idea yesterday when Carson had approached him with an invitation to dinner with him and John. Now it seemed worse. How was he going to sit through a meal, watching the two of them, feeling like a jealous teenager trying to hide his feelings. But of course, it was too late now. Of course, yesterday when it was needed, he hadn't been able to think of any excuse when confronted by Carson's hopeful smile. His brain had turned traitor on him, and he had heard himself stuttering an acceptance. Sometimes, even he couldn't believe how stupid he could be.

So now he was standing in the corridor, trying to compose his thoughts, readying himself to calm his features, when the door slid open without any active control from him. He looked through the opening, and saw John, an amused smirk on his face looking at him, and for the first time, he wondered just how good he was at disguising himself. With a sigh, he entered, but stopped as soon as he saw the table behind John. This wasn't the friendly array of food he'd been expecting, and the other guests he'd assured himself would be there were only conspicuous by their absence. Instead, even as he had these thoughts, the lighting in the room dimmed, so that he was able to appreciate the candlelight coming from the table, set elegantly with a single flower as its centrepiece.

His gaze was confused as he looked from John to the table, and tried to stutter out his excuses. He must have got Carson's invitation confused. He was clearly interrupting the men's plans. He shouldn't have imposed. He stepped back, trying to find the door, but felt his way impeded by a body. Turning swiftly, he found that Carson had somehow appeared behind him and was now standing in front of him, close enough that Rodney could feel his breath. He tried to control himself as he felt his hands on his arm, felt himself led towards the seating area, and heard the soft voice explain that he _was_ meant to be here, it was no imposition, and that although the two men had plans, they most certainly involved him.

Dinner was an awkward affair, Carson had said no more about why Rodney was there, and the scientist was beginning to doubt what he had heard earlier. The contrast between the easygoing conversation and the obvious romantic implications of the environment served to unnerve Rodney, rendering him unusually quiet. Even the teasing remarks from John that would normally have drawn from him a tirade of defensive sniping just resulted in a quiet murmur or shy smile and nod. And the knowing looks he intercepted between the two other men weren't helping matters either. Something was going on here that Rodney couldn't quite put his finger on, and for possibly the first time in his life, he was actually glad to see a meal come to an end.

As soon as they had lain down their cutlery and John pushed his chair back from the table with a contented sigh, Rodney stood up and, with stuttered apologies, began to make his way to the door. Halfway there, he heard laughter behind him and turned to see John and Carson, both with wide grins across their faces, and matching amused twinkles in their eyes. He began to stammer an apology, but was interrupted by Carson,

"It's a good thing we're not only after you for observational skills, Rodney" and, laughing at the start this produced, he came towards Rodney. "I don't know why you ever think you can hide what you're thinking from me, Rodney, you never were any good at it, and you're certainly not improving with practice. But never mind, I've spoken to the Major here, and between us, we've come to a decision. One that I think you'll like."

John came up behind Carson, so that the two men stood facing Rodney, close but not encroaching on his space, allowing him to listen to them. "Will you let us show you what we can offer you, Rodney? I know we need to talk, but for tonight, can you let us play? Nothing too much, just a taste of what we could have" John's head was tilted to one side, his best puppy-dog expression fixed on McKay. Not that it was needed, only in his dreams had he ever heard words like this before, and it took all his self-control to stop himself from collapsing on the floor. Instead, he nodded his head and produced a whimper of "yes".

After that, Rodney lost his ability to follow clearly what was going on. His analytical mind had gone, and he was reduced to a trancelike state, compliant to the wishes of the two other men. He felt hands on his body, stripping him of his clothes and manoeuvring him towards the large bed in their sleeping quarters. He became lost in the sensation as two pairs of hands roamed over his body. Somewhere along the way, all three men lost their clothing and then there was only flesh pressing on flesh, sensation following sensation until he practically collapsed on the bed in John's arms as Caron knelt in front of him. The minutes that followed were both endless and too swift for Rodney to understand. As if to a prearranged plan, Carson and John seemed to know how to tease his body mercilessly, drawing him continually to a peak of excitement and then moving their ministrations just as he felt he could take no more. They drew from him moans and whimpers and cries of pleasure in equal measure. He heard himself begging for release, and then urging them to continue their teasing. Again and again, he felt himself on the edge until he felt John's hand on his needy cock, and knew that he couldn't hold put much longer. Desperate to gain his release and repay the pleasure that racked his body, he felt blindly around him until he made contact with another man's penis and a gasp in his ear told him that he had found Carson. Somehow they had become arranged so that each man was being stroked off by another and the closeness of their bodies and the events of the night became too much for Rodney, and he came crying John's name, dimly aware of two other cries, both voices calling his name, as he closed his eyes and sunk into blissful darkness. Carson looked down at Rodney's face, at the expression he had wanted to see for so long, and then looked across the sleeping body to John. Catching the other man's eye they exchanged smiles, both unable to tear their gaze for long from the blissful expression on Rodney's face as they settled down, one on either side, surrounding him, claiming him as their own.

Rodney awoke and lay on the bed with a grin stretched across his face. He relished the warmth he could feel from the other men's bodies surrounding him. He felt like he belonged, he had found where he needed to be, where he fitted. And with these thoughts and the same blissful look upon his face, he drifted into sleep. So he was completely unaware of the tears running down the face of the man next to him.


	7. Gone

John sat on the bed, his knees drawn up it his chest, his arms hugged around them, pulling them even closer still. He stared, unseeing, at the piece of paper lying on the bed beside him. Pulling his legs closer still he shook his head as he read the note again, trying to make sense of its contents. That morning all had seemed well, sleepy happiness reflected in the three men as they woke tangled in each other's limbs, contented sighs and murmurs as they gradually separated from each other and got ready for the day. Rodney had still seemed embarrassed at first, hesitant in his replies to Carson and John's remarks, seemingly shy at the appreciative glances, but it hadn't lasted long, as the two men worked on him. Eventually the three men had all separated, late for work, but with contented smiles on their faces. Nothing had seemed wrong, John had noticed no change in Carson's actions, the doctor had seemed as happy Rodney and himself. He now berated himself for paying too much attention to Rodney's preoccupations, and not noticing Carson's behaviour.

But John had returned to an empty room, the bed neatly made with a note on John's pillow and even as John read it again now for the umpteenth time, he struggled to understand how quickly his situation had changed. Carson was gone. He had gone off world and hadn't even said goodbye apart from leaving him a note. A note which informed John that Carson thought they should no longer be together, wishing him and Rodney all the happiness they desired as they planned their future.

It was ridiculous. How on Earth could Carson have misread the signals so much? John sighed as he thought of the evening before and the morning that followed. Now, with this note and the benefit of 20/20 hindsight he could see that Carson had been quieter than normal that morning, possible a bit less effusive than was usual for him with John. But at the time John had just assumed that it had been in an effort to make Rodney feel comfortable with the relationship, and had never thought that there could be anything more meaningful behind it. And now he cursed himself for the attention that he had taken from Carson to give to Rodney. It was his fault that Carson had gone. He should have realised hat this could happen. After all his time with Carson, he knew the man's insecurities and yet it had never occurred to him that Carson might doubt the strength of his love. But then, had he assured Carson of it often enough? The tears pricked John's eyes as he thought of life without his lover, but he shook his head to clear them. Carson wasn't gone permanently, he had merely removed himself from Atlantis and that was no obstacle to a determined military commander and jumper pilot. Resolutely, John swung himself off the bed, heading to the gate room.

John stared at Elizabeth in disbelief. "You're refusing to tell me where he's gone?" his voice rose as he stared at her impassive face. "I'm the military commander here, Elizabeth, the safety of this missionis my responsibility, and that involves knowing the location of my men at any given occasion. You can not withhold this information from me"

"John" Elizabeth reached out a placating arm towards the man, she hadn't seen him this upset since the Genii had invaded Atlantis. Something about his protective instinct she supposed. "Come to my office, we need to discuss this" And she raised her eyebrow meaningfully, making John suddenly aware of the number of people in the command centre, trying in vain to appear that they were not following the conversation with interest. Elizabeth was right, this was not the place for this kind of discussion, even as he had to bite his tongue while they walked the short distance to her office. As soon as the door shut behind them, he could restrain himself no longer.

"Elizabeth, you don't understand. He's just gone off with out telling me. He's completely misunderstood something and I need to find him and explain."

"I know John, I know what's happened. Carson spoke to me before he went. He told me he needed time apart, to sort himself out. He asked me not to tell you, and I know where he is, it's not like he's gone off completely alone."

"But I need to know. He shouldn't have time to think about it, when he hasn't got the right facts to think about."

"John, I know it's difficult, I know you want to go after him, but I've known Carson longer than you" Elizabeth held up her hand as John tried to interrupt her, "I know our relationship isn't the same, but I know that when he sets his mind to something, there's nothing you can do to dissuade him. It's better to leave him to come to his senses. Leave him a few days, give it time for both of you to calm down. I'm sure he'll miss you as much as you're missing him. You'll sort it out."

"But I worry, Elizabeth. He's not used to being off world. He's not able to defend himself."

"John, do you really think I'd send him into any sort of danger? I promise you he's perfectly safe, he's on a planet we've visited dozens of times, and there are military there as well. I know it's hard John, but you have to realise you can't protect everyone yourself. You have to let go sometimes, if only to see what happens."

John's shoulders sagged. He knew she was right, but he hated to think of Carson out there alone, all the time assuming that John would rather be with Rodney than him. He could see Elizabeth wasn't going to change her mind any time soon, he would give it a few days, and if Carson hadn't reappeared he would try again. In the meantime, there was someone else he needed to discuss the situation with.


End file.
